That’s where most relationships fail – and it’s better that way

Statistically, the chances of your relationship falling apart are frighteningly high. In fact, there are no guarantees of lifelong, happy partnerships, and many end in breakups. That doesn’t always have to be a bad thing, sometimes it’s actually better to disconnect again. But if you believe in your relationship and want to make sure that it lasts for a long time, according to one scientist, you should concentrate on one aspect above all.

The psychologist John Gottman is considered one of the most renowned relationship researchers in the world. Based on his studies with around 40,000 couples, he has identified four factors that are responsible for the failure of a relationship in most cases. This sometimes includes criticism – more specifically, he means attacks on the character of the partner. Then comes defense, i.e. when you want to protect yourself from criticism and always apologize or shift the blame away. As well as reassuring – so you withdraw from the communication, ignore the other person, digress or prefer to do something else.

However, the most important – and according to Gottman the most common – reason for separations is contempt and the resulting lack of respect towards the partner. So also insults, eye rolling and mockery in a dispute situation.

So contempt goes beyond the occasional criticism or saying something negative. The underlying feeling is that the despising person thinks they are the better and superior human being.

If you experience such behavior from your partner, or if you behave this way towards someone, you quickly feel unworthy and – logically – unloved.

If this behavior occurs regularly, the relationship is in serious jeopardy, according to psychologist Gottman. As a result, you increasingly see yourself as an opponent in the relationship. It is no longer “you and me together against the problem”, but “we against each other”.

But it doesn’t have to come to that. There are methods that can help avoid contemptuous behavior.

The first thing to do is to recognize negative feelings and address them in a constructive way. That means staying with yourself and your feelings instead of immediately attacking them with accusations and “You always do, you never do…” formulations. For example, if your partner canceled an appointment at short notice, you can say, “I’m angry and sad because I was happy to spend time with you.” And you can immediately make a specific suggestion: “In the future, can we talk about our plans together before we simply change them?”

This leaves room for constructive discussion without getting lost in never-ending accusations.

And the most important thing: Create an appreciative relationship with each other together with your partner. Unfortunately, negative statements stick in the brain much more easily than positive ones. According to experts, a good ratio is five to one: five positive statements to one negative. You can try to omit small, usually unnecessary, negative comments and instead mention things that made you happy more often. If you do this consistently for a while, you internalize this behavior – and that strengthens the relationship.

It can also help if you and your partner both make a list of 20 things you love about each other. You can give each other the list or read it to each other on a romantic date.