The sexologist Anka Grzywacz helps busy women and couples cultivate love and desire in a relationship

– Sex is such a playground for adults. And it’s not just about bringing toys into the bedroom, although I encourage you to try out a few gadgets. We are not afraid to experiment in our erotic playground. What if something doesn’t work? We can always try again. Only in this way can we discover something new together – says sexologist Anka Grzywacz in an interview with Ofeminin.

  • – We are afraid that when we start talking about sex, its spell will break. And it is quite the opposite – says the sex worker Anka Grzywacz
  • – In order to have energy for bed games, we have to take care of the basics. If our body is tired and the nervous system is overloaded with stress, there is no need to count on a wave of desire – explains the therapist
  • You can find more information on Instagram @ankagrzywaczcoaching and on the website ankagrzywacz.pl
  • You can find more such stories on the Onet.pl homepage

Klaudia Kierzkowska: Why is it worth talking about your sexual needs?

Anka Grzywacz: Because our partner is not a clairvoyant. If we do not talk about what we want in bed, we should not be surprised that we do not feel satisfaction from intercourse.

Communicating your needs is a show of respect for the relationship. We want it to be good, so we step outside our comfort zone and share our intimate needs, even when we feel embarrassed. I am a huge fan of Brené Brown, a researcher of human nature. Her whole theory of the good life is based on the idea of ​​allowing herself to show the truth about ourselves. It’s about admitting to yourself and to your loved ones that sometimes we don’t know something, that something embarrasses us or evokes difficult emotions. The second important principle of a good life according to Brown is the ability to ask for help. This is very close to talking about sexual needs. Because we are able to experience some things only with the help of a partner.

KK: I wonder why so many people don’t want to talk directly to their partner about sex?

AG: I spend a lot of my work dispelling myths about sex that my clients and clients have cherished for years. One of the most dangerous myths for intimate satisfaction is that good sex is one in which we communicate without words. A good lover is supposed to guess what the other person needs in no time. And yet most of us do not have the faculty of clairvoyance or the magic ball hidden under the sheets. We are afraid that when we start talking about sex, its spell will break. It is quite the opposite. When we give our partner access to our world, he or she will be able to better adapt to our needs.

KK: Maybe this shame is caused by not accepting your body, your sexuality?

AG: Part of shame comes from upbringing and part from ignorance. Few of us have had the chance to talk openly about puberty and sex at home. At best, my parents suggested some books. We learn communication best through example and practice. Only today’s generation of parents has a chance to break the generational taboo of talking about sexuality.

For over a dozen years I was a volunteer and as a sex educator I conducted classes with young people, I have also been working as a sexologist with adults for a long time. The more I look at it, the more I realize that the difficulty of talking about intimate matters is not all about language.

You can learn to pronounce terms like clitoris and vibrator aloud. But it’s one thing to say these words generally, and another to reveal yourself with your desire and ask your lover “I would like you to caress my clitoris for a long time before we start intercourse, because it will help me get excited and prepare” or after intercourse, boldly reach for a vibrator and to the partner’s question “did you come to” to answer “no honey, not this time, but we will deal with this colorful gadget in a moment”. It is not words that are difficult in sex, it is the context in which they are used.

KK: How to deal with it?

AG: It is worth finding time to look at your sexuality and heal what disturbs us, hinders our intimate communication. During sessions, I help clients and clients look at sex as a whole. What matters here is not only what our body does, but also what we think about intimate matters and what we feel. For many people, the spiritual aspect is also important, and in our Polish context, upbringing and the influence of the traditional Catholic view of sex are not without significance. Most of us sexologists at least 50 percent. he spends time dealing with seemingly non-sexual topics: we strengthen the client’s self-confidence, assertiveness, we practice mindfulness. Good sex is about more than positions and gadgets.

KK: I wonder what we can do to improve libido?

AG: First of all, get enough sleep! In order to have energy for bed games, we need to take care of the basics. If our body is tired and the nervous system is overloaded with stress, there is no need to count on a wave of desire. Mothers of young children sometimes write to me, worried that they have lost the desire. And the first year after the baby is born is a festival of fatigue and stress.

Let’s be gentle with each other, but also let’s not forget about giving ourselves sensual pleasure. It happens that the decrease in libido is purely physical. It is worth going to a doctor for a health check, talking about how the medications you take may affect your desire for sex. I know that these are not topics that doctors and family doctors deal with routinely, so sometimes we, the patients, have to initiate a conversation. And another thing – relationship problems. If we have unresolved conflicts and we drift apart as a couple, libido will not magically return. You have to start by repairing the relationship, sometimes with the help of couple therapy.

KK: How to make sex more fun?

AG: Turn on your curiosity! Sex is such a playground for adults. And it’s not just about bringing toys into the bedroom, although I encourage you to try out a few gadgets. We are not afraid to experiment in our erotic playground. What if something doesn’t work? We can always try again. Only in this way can we discover something new together.

We don’t always have to be with someone on the playground. Just like in a sandbox, we can have fun building sand castles on our own, so in adulthood we can enjoy self-love. And the more we know ourselves and are able to give ourselves satisfaction, the easier it will be for us to tell the other person what we like.

KK: Probably our attitude, whether we are fully focused on sex, plays a big role. Unfortunately, some people have sex with their partner just to please the other party. Why do we sometimes do something against ourselves?

AG: To have a successful sex life, we need a healthy dose of selfishness. The trick is to be in your world during a sexual intercourse, and at the same time stay in intimate contact with your partner. From my practice, and I work mainly with people in heterosexual relationships, women have a particular difficulty with this selfishness. From an early age, we are taught to anticipate and meet the expectations of others. This moves to bed later. We grit our teeth, even though it hurts, because we don’t want to bother our partner with our problems. During intercourse, we adjust to his needs and pace, because he is supposed to be satisfied.

Men often have no idea that something is wrong. They would like to please a woman, but if she doesn’t let them know what she wants, they love each other as much as they can.

KK: What are we thinking about having sex?

AG: First of all, we think too much. And here you have to “turn off your head” a little and let your body lead. And we, worse, focus our thoughts on what’s not working. In men, this leads to erection problems or early ejaculation. The guy is so focused on it that he has to go wrong that the penis stops cooperating. A vicious cycle begins – a one-time erection problem becomes a source of stress.

The next time they get close, the man fears that the situation will repeat itself. The body becomes tense and indeed, it can be difficult to get or maintain an erection. Women (although men also happen to be) often think about their complexes. Will he notice that I have gained weight, they are worried. They try to hide stretch marks or cellulite. They pull in the stomach, and yet such a tense body is a body closed to pleasure and orgasm.

KK: It happens that during sex we plan another day instead of focusing on pleasure?

AG: Yes, couples who come to me are usually busy. Work, children, shopping. And when evening comes, it is difficult for them to go into intimacy mode. Then they complain that sex is not satisfying. They dream of beautiful experiences, that their close-ups would deepen their bond. But for that to happen, we need to make room for eroticism in our lives. Consciously set aside time and space to focus on nurturing desire and love.

It may also be that the routine in bed or the sex does not meet our needs. Instead of honestly talking or going to a sexologist, we run away in our minds and start treating sex as a duty to fulfill. Hence, a simple path to libido loss, and often also relationship crises.

KK: Such sex “on principle”, “casually” makes sense? Or maybe this is how we hurt ourselves?

AG: Exactly. I tell my clients and clients that such sex in spite of itself is disrespectful, and you could even say that it is some form of violence. We seem to do it with a loved one, but we don’t respect our own boundaries. We also do not respect our partner, not to say directly that today we do not want to, or we need to change something to make it pleasant.

If this happens repeatedly, we are violating the foundations of our relationship, such as trust, mutual respect, care. Sure, there are days when we don’t feel like it too much and we agree to love each other because we want to make the other person happy. Gentle compromises are OK, but I don’t recommend pushing yourself into a martyr or a martyr.

The sexologist Anka Grzywacz helps busy women and couples cultivate love and desire in a relationship

Photo: photo: courtesy of the interviewee / Ofeminin

In long-term relationships, especially with women, the decision to say “yes” must sometimes get out of the head before the body feels that the touch is pleasant and we want to move on. This is called responsive desire. Just to emphasize, this must not be confused with the role of the victim. It is about situations when we would rather watch the series on the couch, because here we are guaranteed pleasure without effort, but we decide to caress and see if it will turn out to be a pleasant, erotic meeting. Here the effect is not guaranteed, hence our hesitation often.

See also:

Yoni massage: “I was there naked in the most intimate possible situation”

Source: Ofeminin

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Deborah Acker

I write epic fantasy; self-published via KDP. Devoted dog mom to my 10 yr old GSD, Shadow! DM not a priority; slow response at best #amwriting #author.

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