Emotional load: what if we stopped taking it upon ourselves?

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Because of our education or our character, we sometimes accept things that do not suit us. Taking it upon ourselves, since that is what it is all about, can lead us to deny ourselves, eroding our self-esteem and ruining our lives. It is the emotional charge. Fortunately, it is possible to free yourself from it, assures the psychologist Christèle Albaret.

How is emotional load different from mental load?

Mental load is feeling invaded, overwhelmed by all the everyday things that we have to think about and believe it is our responsibility to do. The emotional charge is for its part linked to our feelings, our feelings, our emotions and this way in which we have been formatted from an early age to take on us, whatever our environment and our social background.

You mean emotional load is a matter of nurture?

Largely, yes. For example, I tell you that I’m going to be late for our appointment. But it’s the end of the day and you have to go get your children. If by education you tell yourself that it is not done to refuse to postpone, or if you wonder what I will think or what your employer would think if you refuse to postpone, you will take it upon yourself to include this interview in your agenda. . But you will have to manage the repercussions: running to pick up your children, and possibly getting a reflection from the mistress or the nanny… So you increase your emotional load because you said yes when you knew it wasn’t. possible for you.

To avoid burdening me, it would have been enough to ask you if we could move to the next day for example?

First step, you took the time to ask yourself what, for you, was the best solution: “How can I organize things so that it’s fair for me, so that I respect myself and that I’m in a concept of balance? “. Then, indeed, you could offer me an alternative. No matter what I answer or might think, that is enough to free you from an emotional charge, because you have respected yourself.

You seem to insist on this idea of ​​self-respect…

This is the basis. It does not mean that we make fun of others; it’s being careful not to silence our feelings. Our emotions are valuable information and a call to action. The emotional charge is the sum of all this emotional information that we have not taken into account, that we have not listened to. It’s like having a huge mailbox and never picking up the mail.

If we opened it, could we find letters received a long time ago?

Absolutely. As long as we do not open the mailbox, the letters remain. We can therefore have an emotional charge anchored in us for a long time. I am also talking about an emotional backpack. From time to time, it is necessary to give the opportunity to put down our backpack of life, to open it and to look inside the things which belong to me, the things which do not belong to me, things that are from a long time ago, that relate to when I was a teenager, to my first marriage, to my relationship with my parents… All of these things, if they have not been dealt with, add up.

How do we become aware that we carry a heavy emotional charge?

When we have gained weight, we feel it and the scale tells us. When we have an emotional overload, we feel it, but nobody explained to us that there was also an emotional balance and a healthy weight, when we feel good with ourselves and with others. To weigh our emotional load, I propose to calculate the emotional weight of our professional life, love, family, past… by estimating the weight of each item according to its frequency. We sometimes realize that our emotional load weighs heavier than us! Some symptoms can also alert us: increasing anxiety, depressive episodes, eating disorders, more aggressive behavior or deterioration of self-esteem.

Once we are clear about our emotional charge, is it easy to get rid of it?

Becoming aware of our emotional charge is important to stop minimizing something that is felt and invisible. Then, we must understand what brought us to this situation, and work on our behavior. For that, we need to really know ourselves.

We can also start by avoiding overloading ourselves even more. You mention in your book the trap of ruminations…

Ruminating is feeding on and rehashing emotions from the past that have not been processed, released. We ruminate on fears, regrets, frustrations, injustices, unfinished mourning… We go to bed with toxic thoughts, we wake up with them and we take them with us all day. In doing so, the brain gets used to being in this state of mind and does not realize that it is going around in circles, like a hamster on its wheel. Added to this is a cognitive bias of binary thoughts: “today the weather is nice, of course: it’s Monday” or “his journey is incredible, but for me, of course, it’s impossible”. This form of thinking is maintained by repetition and increases our feeling of helplessness and our frustration, which in turn feeds our emotional charge.

Why do you also say that half-choices are a disaster?

Because they are! The half-choice is to impose something that does not suit us. One has the impression of negotiating with oneself, but it is not true. With half-choices, we lose on all counts: instead of meeting our needs, we take action to avoid our fears. We therefore find ourselves with a life that is not going at all in the direction that we would like to give it. To get out of it, we must learn to take responsibility for our actions and act to move in the right direction.

Assume, outright?

We have the feeling that it’s hard to assume, but in reality, it’s harder not to assume! In this case, we suffer ourselves, which generates much more suffering. To assume is to give meaning to one’s actions for oneself. If you’re trying to please everyone, you’re not going to please yourself.

To free oneself from the emotional charge, it is therefore a question of being authentic?

To be authentic is to feel good about yourself. The first person I have to please is myself. It’s not selfish, it means that I have values, convictions, that there are things that make sense to me. If I am authentic, my external radiance is totally different. I attract to me people who really correspond to me and with whom I feel good. Basically, by being authentic, I respect myself and make myself happy.

For further

The emotional charge
Christele Albaret

Source: Psychologies

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Varun Kumar

Varun Kumar is a freelance writer working on news website. He contributes to Our Blog and more. Wise also works in higher ed sustainability and previously in stream restoration. He loves running, trees and hanging out with her family.

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