You are currently viewing Leaving someone on WhatsApp like Judge Pedraz to Esther Doña: a good idea or a manual ‘ghosting’?

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The news that Judge Pedraz said goodbye to his girlfriends with a laconic message on his mobile phone has caused rivers of ink to flow and generated hundreds of likes either you hate Is it the most correct?

Judge Pedraz’s WhatsApp to his former partner Esther Doa to leave her has been made public.gtres

I don’t know Judge Pedraz or his girlfriends, but I know the ghostingthat ability of some people to disappear into nothing as if they had never existed (hence the term ghost-ing which comes from the word Ghost ghost in English) or from say goodbye without putting a face to goodbyewith a virtual message, more or less successful, followed by a block on WhatsApp, networks and the like and not responding to calls from the affected person.

That of not showing your face is nothing new. “Saying goodbye to the French”, that is, without greeting, was a custom of the eighteenth century in the neighboring country, where showing the desire to leave an event was an act of consideration for others and, later, a behavior of bad education when protocol decided that what was required was a cordial farewell.

VICTIM AND SELFISH

The distancing strategies have always existed, but the “he went to buy tobacco and did not return” or leaving someone waiting for a call (when there were no mobiles) is still very frowned upon. automatically turn the left into a victim and the one he leaves transformed into a selfish coward. Although to some, that inner voice already warns them, that in the world of relationships things are never as black or white as they seem.

What is better to put a face and voice to the farewell or to follow the proverb that says “If what you are going to say is not more beautiful than silence, do not speak”? These are some considerations about ghostingan acquaintance in psychology consultations, because he always leaves a psychological mark.

DEFENSE OR ATTACK

Is a message preferable or ending a face-to-face relationship?gtres

Now we live on the internet and many relationships are born, grow, reproduce and die in virtual environments. We no longer see each other and talk as much face to face as before. The younger and the more technology is used to communicate, the more pronounced this aspect becomes, although it affects all ages. Especially in the most incipient relationships. A few days ago, a middle-aged patient was upset that his five-year-old partner had simply “blocked him on WhatsApp and that was, he said, the worst thing that had happened to him” although the relationship already showed serious gaps.

Studies show that technology increases cognitive empathy, that is, the ability to understand the mind of another, to attribute thoughts and intentions even without direct contact (it is the so-called theory of mind). This ability is offset by emotional empathy, favored by face-to-face contact, which means feeling what the other feels and favoring compassionate behavior. Mind reading without the counterpoint of putting yourself in another’s shoes is the master route to the most damaging behaviors.

On this is based the ghosting, in pulling down bridges or sinking ships as the Vikings did in their fjords to prevent by all means the entry or return of those who are no longer welcome. The say goodbye like a ghost it can serve to protect oneself from a hypothetical enemy, as well as to detach oneself without anesthesia from the one one no longer wants as a lover or friend.

A DEFENSE MECHANISM

Esther Do
Esther Doa and judge Santiago Pedraz, in Ibiza last summer.GJNthe other chronicle
  • in the mistreatment. When there is an imbalance in the relationship and it is based on behaviors of submission or possession of the other, through physical, psychological, moral, economic, environmental violence… ghosting (the escape, in this case) becomes a security measure to avoid an aggressive, hostile or impulsive reaction from the other, but, above all, as a mechanism to neutralize the so-called circle of violence. A process through which the offender releases his tension through cruelty; if the victim moves away he reacts with the dangerous behavior of “honeymoon” and tries to seduce her to later return to them again, even stronger.
  • In emotional dependence and codependency. There are people that you don’t relate to, you just get hooked and they become a drug that you want to get rid of, but in practice that is impossible. Toxic relationships that hurt. Detachment and radical cut is the only way to establish a limit with the person with whom you have dependency. Suggesting a face-to-face farewell would be as dangerous as asking an alcoholic to walk into the bar and announce to the bartender that they’ll never drink again. The ghosting It is legitimate defense.
  • You are depressed or emotionally exhausted. In these states, direct contact with the other is impossible. Breaking a relationship looking each other in the face would be a step forward, but sometimes that energy is simply not counted to deal with the emotional response of the “leftover.” Sometimes, either, you don’t want to reveal what is happening to yourself. The ghosting it can be a form of postponed farewell for when circumstances are better.

A FORM OF ATTACK

  • Silence to avoid the drink. In this case, not putting yourself in the place of the other is a detachment strategy for those who want to suffer what is fair. Many people are afraid of emotional pain to the point of turning face-to-face goodbyes into something close to a phobia, which is avoided at all costs. What will hurt less? It is the initial question and the answer is to become a ghost.
  • Fear of conflict. Those who have low self-esteem or lack communication skills often avoid face-to-face contact. The fear of conflict inherent in any parting often turns into conflict avoidance through the ghosting. After all the “if you had told me… I would have understood you” is rarely true, they say.
  • Narcissistic or histrionic on the attack. They are not interested in each other’s feelings or commitment, although in seduction they make a great show of love. It is the figure of the conqueror, of Don Juan Tenorio, who when he gets the prey loses interest. The narcissist is said to be very dependent because he needs the other as an admirer. When the time comes to ask that your needs be taken into account, it usually disappears without the slightest hesitation.

THE DUEL WITHOUT A FACE

Certainly, they are attitudes centered on the lack of empathy. Do they make it easier? No, our brain is designed to join and we look for security and trust in a relationship. It always affects on a psychological level to close a chapter, undo the brain circuit that united us. In the initial stages of the relationship it is painful because you are at the moment of idealizing it. When the ghosting it occurs after many years, it can be expected as the chronicle of a death foretold, or it can appear out of the blue, with the same emotional pain as a traffic accident.

As for the ghosting, being a duel without a face, it is difficult to close the wound. The mind is narrative and generate your own explanations to be able to heal, through the conventional grieving process, but it produces some secondary effects:

  • The break can become an obsession where it is difficult to stop recurring thoughts.
  • The scene of what you will tell him repeats in the mind compulsively.
  • Can be traumatic if you interpret the ghosting as your responsibility.
  • Causes self-perception problems self-esteem and confidence in yourself.
  • One can assume a distrustful attitude towards love and relationships.

It is true that breaking up face to face is the behavior that produces the fewest secondary effects (except for the three risk situations mentioned) in the always painful breakups, and also generates a greater capacity for growth and learning for those who break up and a relief for the left one who helps put a face to the breakup. Just a “goodbye, I wish you the best” but in face-to-face format.

DEFENSE MECHANISM

Avoid these situations:

  • The gonna that hooks and the revenge that is actually your camouflaged pain.
  • The compulsion of Send messageask for information or use third parties.
  • Contact the one who makes you ghosting, so as not to prolong the duel.
  • Do not go to “now I conquer him”, contact will increase damage.

Suggestions to overcome it:

  • Interpret it as a period of reflection.
  • let you go through all phases of grief (anger, sadness, acceptance).
  • Let go, you can’t know why he left.
  • allow yourself to feel, You’re not your feelings will pass.
  • Think what you want and how is the person What do you want by your side?

*ISABEL SERRANO-ROSA is a psychologist at EnPositivoSi.com

Source: www.elmundo.es

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J. A. Allen

Author, blogger, freelance writer. Hater of spiders. Drinker of wine. Mother of hellions.

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