Unpredictable and fragile, feminine enjoyment is more mysterious than that of man. Less “mechanical”, it is subject to many emotional parameters that can block it. Self-esteem, letting go, trust in others… Here are the keys to better letting go.
Fast or slow, intense or fortuitous, easy or laborious… The female orgasm is a fragile, unpredictable pleasure, which arises unexpectedly or slips away despite promising beginnings. Why is it more difficult for women than for men? Because men’s concerns are based more on desire than on pleasure: not “am I going to cum?” but “am I going to get a hard-on? “. Women know that their pleasure is independent of their desire. However, far from easy recipes, we can try to understand and remove blockages.
This self-confidence which helps to live better on a daily basis is essential in access to female orgasm. In terms of sexuality, it goes through confidence in one’s body, in the image it sends back. Nothing to do with a perfect body: on the contrary, the obsession with perfection can create an inner conflict, such as the fear of being naked, the refusal to be caressed in certain places or the control of one’s image during love … The measurements, the shape of the breasts or the size of the thighs have nothing to do with the intimate certainty that the body has the capacity to give and receive pleasure.
To have this intimate feeling of security is to stop thinking of orgasm in terms of a challenge, to learn to enjoy at your own pace, not to focus on the partner’s pleasure, not to expect ours to be exclusively dependent on yours; it is, finally, to accept that the orgasm is the natural expression of a sexual enjoyment which belongs only to oneself. To have self-confidence is still to escape the guilt-ridden gaze of past centuries – “Honest women do not have pleasure” – and the implicit injunctions of ours – “Compulsory enjoyment and in all positions”. Nobody knows better than every woman with whom, when and how she wants to make love. “To enjoy more than the neighbor, to fantasize more than his colleague or to have more lovers than his girlfriend can only lead us to a dead end”, summarizes the sex therapist Alain Héril.
For many women, pleasure is disturbing – psychologically, penetration is never trivial. They keep alternating between penis envy and fear of intrusion. According to the days, according to the moments, these two feelings follow one another. “If the pleasure is expected and even claimed, advances the psychoanalyst Catherine Blanc (author of Women’s sexuality is not that of magazines (La Martinière), it continues to worry the unconscious of women, because they may be afraid of invasion and doubt their ability to accommodate the sex of the man. »
Added to this worry is that of being overwhelmed, swept away by orgasm, which is not called “little death” for nothing. Doesn’t this pleasure risk swallowing them up? Why can’t they let themselves go and listen to that little voice guiding them to orgasm? Because they are afraid that this voice will reveal not very pleasant things about themselves, a little disgusting, even? Or that she make them utter obscenities that would come out of their mouths like toads escaping from the lips of mean girls in fairy tales? Women are afraid of discovering that their pleasure is unfaithful to what they believe and want to be. Letting go of these unconscious fears is possible when the brain can disconnect in order to focus on the sensations felt.
trust in others
Life partner or one-night stand, the necessary condition for orgasm is trust. Because the other, man or woman, has the extraordinary power to inhibit or liberate. For sexologist Jean-Michel Fitremann, author ofABC of sexuality (Grancher), “the good partner is the one who does not put us in danger. He is connected to his desire and that of his partner, he has neither plan nor ulterior motive, he leaves enough space for a common creation”. With him, nothing seems ridiculous, out of place, repetitive or demeaning.
To trust the other is, once again, to get out of the imposed norms to accompany each other and nourish an emotional dialogue that passes through the bodies. It also means ceasing to take a look at one’s pleasure: “Letting oneself be overwhelmed by pseudo-knowledge of the type ‘men like fellatios’ takes away any chance of meeting and meeting the other, assures the psychoanalyst Sophie Cadalen, author of Women’s dreams: should we dare fantasies? (Leduc.s Editions). Better to forget all that, the pleasure is never where the platitudes expect it. “What do I like, me? What do I want, me? are the only questions to ask.
Making love with several people, in a church, on a sunny beach… To reach the acme of pleasure, we all need these exciting little inner films that fuel desire. The most frequent scenarios and, according to Freudian psychoanalysts, the most effective stage situations of domination or humiliation. For the man, to be manipulated by an expert woman (or, conversely, to dominate a pure young girl). For the woman, to be taken by force.
This is also the observation of Claude Crépault, professor of sexology at the University of Quebec, in Canada. It is not about masochism, rather about staging allowing to say: “I am in no way responsible for the pleasure that I take, I undergo the desire of the other. According to the Canadian expert, these fantasies are the “most archaic of all”. They would be transformed remnants of infantile sexuality, where the child’s desire is directed towards his father or his mother, characters on whom he depends and whom he must obey.
Our most intimate fantasies never give a good image of us. They constitute our perverse side, according to the Freudians. However, unlike real perverts who need to put them into action to enjoy, so-called “normal” people are almost always satisfied with their erotic daydreams, solitary or shared with a partner. “Nothing is as likely to collapse as a fulfilled wish. The real trivializes desire. It empties it of its magic,” writes Claude Crépault. Living in the present, the concrete, is perhaps a key to better living everyday life, but it is not the royal road to orgasm.
The orgasm is unpredictable, even unexpected. And you have to accept that the pleasure is there. Or not… “One finds in the sexual act unique sensations which do not wait for orgasm to exist”, reassures Catherine Blanc. From the womb, we retain the memory of the movements of our body against the uterine wall. The touch of amorous gestures brings us back to this time of softness in the contact of the skins. The sexual act is a sublime moment of incarnation of emotions. At this moment, we seem to be only sensations: chills, tension, relaxation, even tears or laughter. “The orgasm, continues Catherine Blanc, these few seconds of intense pleasure, is only the culmination of all that. We become emotion, and therein resides enjoyment. »
Orgasm is an inner dance which, for many women, is only given with time, the time they need to let go, enter into the intimacy of their sensations, their desires, their desire. . Discover a new dimension of yourself, let your body take control, freely express your animal side, but also cultivate the garden of your senses and your fantasies…
Accessing enjoyment requires going beyond the superficial and comfortable knowledge that one has of one’s sexuality to take the risk of discovery. “We receive sexual capital during adolescence, but to enjoy it in an enriching, elaborate way, that is to say in a non-repetitive way, we will have to refine it, develop it, explains the psychoanalyst Gérard Bonnet, author of The irresistible power of sex (Payot). It is the work of a lifetime. A job that requires curiosity and creativity, and that we do in pairs. »
To know oneself better to surprise oneself, such could be the motto of those who are not content with mechanical enjoyment. “The playful dimension of sexuality is essential,” says Mireille Bonierbale, author, with Nadine Grafeille and Marie Chevret-Measson, of Five Senses and Love (Robert Laffont), doctor and sexologist. And to play is to accept the ups and downs of the sexual encounter. Sometimes wonderful, sometimes less. In sexuality, to set a goal is to go down the wrong road. We must accept that this part of ourselves that escapes us expresses itself.
Clitoral or vaginal?
One is not more “adult”, superior to the other, although the reading of certain psychoanalytic essays suggests the contrary. If they are quite distinct, it is because they refer to different fantasy situations. The clitoral orgasm refers to a phallic, active self-vision – symbolically, the clitoris is a penile equivalent. It recalls the innate psychic bisexuality of the human being identified by Freud in children of both sexes. It can also occur from early childhood, when the little girl, except in cases of sexual abuse, is unaware of the existence of her vagina. It is “fast, liberating and fits into an instinctual register”.
Vaginal orgasm, the father of psychoanalysis tells us, requires consent to self-sacrifice and the discovery of that “active passivity” characteristic of female sexuality. He was able to write, awkwardly, in 1922, that he signs the sexual maturity of women. Thanks to the gradual liberation of female speech on sexuality, modern sexologists note that almost all women manage to achieve a clitoral orgasm, if only by masturbating. On the other hand, only a third would reach the vaginal orgasm.
The Female Continents by Alain Heril. Orgasms, squirting women, sex toys… a sex therapist recounts the pleasures of women (Jean-Claude Gawsevitch).
Fantasies, Eroticism and Sexuality by Claude Crepault. Based on numerous testimonies, this book attempts to decode the complexity of human sexuality (Odile Jacob).
Have a fulfilling sexuality by Catherine and Patrice Cudicio. A practical and complete work on the sexual mechanisms (Eyrolles pratical).