Love: how to sensualize your summer

Love: how to sensualize your summer

Finally idleness! We change scenery, roles, gestures. After the routine of the year, here is the moment to rediscover yourself body and soul, to reconnect with sensations that you feared were dormant.

We fantasize about them all year round, like an oasis in the desert of daily routine and stress. A special parenthesis for couples, the holidays are adorned with all the therapeutic virtues. But if changing scenery, rediscovering your body, forgetting time are in themselves promises of well-being, overestimating their power of transformation can also play bad tricks. To add salt to your love life, you still have to want it and decide it.

A new couple dynamic

Yvan and Adriana, a couple for a year, realized that basically they had left together with two different projects. “I was happy to go with Adriana to Polynesia, remembers Yvan. We had a fabulous three weeks…or so I thought. On our return to Paris, I became disillusioned when Adriana coldly told me that there was no point in going to the other side of the world if it didn’t change our relationship. To avoid a disillusioned tomorrow, couple therapists advise preparing the ground, so that this break is an opportunity to really find yourself and to trigger a new dynamic.

Psychiatrist and anthropologist Philippe Brenot explains that being and staying in a relationship is not natural. Over time, distancing mechanisms will develop if we don’t pay attention to them. Communication reduced to a minimum, gestures of tenderness and signs of attention to the other which are rare, the rhythm of daily life often masks the disaffection of intimacy. However, a rich and stimulating love life cannot go without quality intimacy.

Focus on intimacy

In Praise of intimacy (Payot), Willy Pasini defines no less than five types of intimacy: sexual, bodily, affective, spiritual and intellectual intimacy. At least three of them must necessarily be present in the couple so that it can function in harmony. It is when intimacy – this subtle bond, made up of trust, tenderness, knowledge of the other – fails that the couple withers. “Intimacy and desire go hand in hand,” explains Josette Stanké, psychotherapist. Especially for women, who are almost biologically attached to each other. They have a vital need to communicate with their partner. And what better occasion than the summer holidays to get out of the shackles of habits, to really talk to each other and rediscover yourself with a fresh eye?

David realized that Isabelle was really attractive and that he never told her when, seated at a café terrace in Spain, he saw the gaze of men lingering on her. “Suddenly, I wanted to seduce her as if I didn’t know her, recognizes the young man. I then told him about his skin, his legs and my desire. After twenty minutes of this little game, we returned to our hotel room…” These are the words that weave a story, that give it its particular colors and make it unique. To speak, not only to express the desire, but also to give it life.

Restart the love phase

Doctor Ayala Malach Pines, psychologist and couples therapist (author of Torque Wear, OES, 2000), argues that the average time spent communicating is thirty-nine minutes a day for “worn-out” couples, compared to one to four hours for those who are not. Telling the other what, in him, moves us or seduces us is certainly much more aphrodisiac than an artificial erotic staging. For Philippe Brenot, “restarting the love phase”, that is to say reviving what made the couple vibrate at the start of the relationship, is essential to strengthening intimacy: “The couple in love, and who remains so , competes in ingenuity to maintain the seduction essential to the feeling that animates it.

Summer, when bodies and minds are both at rest and awake, is the ideal setting to replay the emotional and erotic scenarios that made the partners vibrate. » « In summer, the body speaks, whereas the rest of the year, it is the head that is in charge, underlines Josette Stanké. Letting your body speak and listen facilitates the relationship with others. Marion, who has lived with Louis for five years, likes to prepare herself mentally and physically for this reunion. “I begin to live to the rhythm of summer from the first fine days. I do UV, I change my diet, I go to the hammam with my girlfriends, I get a massage. Inevitably, I feel better in my body, more desirable, therefore more attentive to my desire and that of Louis. »

A better way to love yourself

Availability, another key word for intimacy: being available means waking up to a state of receptivity that will give desire time to take hold. “Sexuality is realized when the context is favorable, analyzes Philippe Brenot. Holidays should be used to cultivate eroticism, that is, the human dimension of sexuality. To use a technical term, I would say that, first of all, sexuality must be degenitalized, to privilege sensuality. » No eroticism or sensuality without gratuitousness. Live intensely with your senses, smell, taste, touch, caress, simply for the pleasure of the sensations it provides. For Lili, who has been married for eleven years, sensuality without sex also means making love: “During the siesta, we massage each other, we caress each other, we get to know each other again, with all our senses. »

Create a sensual atmosphere

Eva testifies to her pleasure in bathing naked in the morning in the river which flows in front of her country house before returning to the marital bed: “I like to feel my cool skin against his warm body while he is still sleeping. We don’t always make love, but when he takes me in his arms, half asleep, it’s so tender and voluptuous that it’s worth a lot of hugs I’ve had with others. Establishing a sensual climate can also mean multiplying small attentions to others, sharing moments of silence during which only the gaze speaks. Pleasure is also knowing how to balance the veiled and the unveiled, words and silence. “It is absolutely necessary to safeguard the erogenous power of nudity, advises doctor Gérard Leleu in Intimacy and the Couple (Flammarion, 2000). So as not to surrender the nude to habit, and the resulting indifference. »

Happy couples have no history, they say. But one could add that they certainly have talent and creativity. Dealing with the wear and tear of desire and sexual monotony requires a good dose of imagination and creativity. Routine feeds on passivity and letting go; to fight it, “initiative and desire are strongly linked, writes Philippe Brenot in Invent the couple (Odile Jacob, 2001). An instruction can consist in making a gesture or a word every day in the direction of one’s partner, to reconnect with an active phase of seduction where initiatives were frequent. »

Many men admit that they would appreciate more frank initiatives on the part of their partner. Changing scenery, changing roles, changing gestures, these are the BA BAs of a sexuality well armed to resist the onslaught of time. Making fire with all wood is the art of sexually happy couples. They capture the sexual energy where it is, without brakes. In summer, sensuality is everywhere. “Being surrounded by men and women whose bodies are revealed, tanned, adorned, is very exciting, confirms Anne. There are lingering gazes, diffuse desire in the air. With Jean, without being voyeurs or exhibitionists, we capture all that and, inevitably, it acts on the desire that passes between us. »

It was during their holidays that Michel and Sophie had a click that changed their sex life. “We have always had fun making love,” says Sophie. But, over the years, we have calmed down, we have become lazier. It was by going wild camping for ten days together that we rediscovered the primary, instinctive and almost animal side of sexuality. Making love on a rock in the sun, leaning against a tree or in a torrent, it’s magic. Since then, we practice wild love even in our living room. “In short, to restore spice and relief to his love life, there are no miracle recipes or magic formulas. It is by giving free rein to their personal creativity that the couple can avoid the pitfalls of routine and boredom. Provided you want it, not in a voluntarist way, but by constantly navigating between requirement and letting go.

Intimacy or promiscuity?

Can the couple preserve their privacy by sharing their vacation space and time with family and friends? Difficult a priori, but possible if he clearly defines his expectations and needs. It is a question of deciding on the broad lines of the division of time and the activities devoted to the couple or to the group. Very often, couples who subscribe to summers with friends or family maintain relationships of avoidance of intimacy, consciously or not. Family and friends, who have become the separating agents of the couple, are often the tree that hides the forest of misunderstanding. Most of the time, it is also the presence of children that is incriminated, a comfortable alibi for some, a major obstacle to real reunions for others.

  • For the psychoanalyst Gérard Séverin, author of Dad, mom, tell me for real (Albin Michel, 1991), “it is essential that the couple arrange real moments of intimacy. The child considers himself the center of the family. By placing him outside a couple, his parents put him back in his true place, which is fundamental for his internal security. »
  • For therapist Josette Stanké, if the couple defines their intimate territory, the presence of children can be a plus. “Parents have to learn from children. Their way of moving, of communicating, of inventing, can allow them to reconnect with the playful spirit and spontaneity. »

Source: Psychologies

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