TEST – Which friend are you?
What would you be willing to do for your friends? How important is their opinion to you? Is meeting new people, making new relationships important to you? Do you get there easily? So many questions that will allow you to know what importance and what place you give to friendship and to those who embody it in your life.
The 15 warning signs
A brief tour of beliefs and behaviors compiled by American psychotherapist Sharon Martin. the people pleaser kind…
- wants everyone to like it.
- needs to be validated.
- let people take advantage of him.
- feels guilty or “bad” when setting boundaries.
- is afraid of conflict.
- has always been considered or referred to as “nice”.
- thinks self-care is just an option.
- feels tense, anxious, on edge.
- is overly demanding of himself.
- puts himself after others and finds it difficult to ask.
- is very sensitive to criticism.
- thinks that his feelings, his ideas, his desires and his needs are less important than those of others.
- is a helper, he cannot bear to see someone who is in pain, sad or uncomfortable.
- feels like more is always being asked of him. Besides, he would like others to take his feelings and needs into account.
4 keys to initiate change
The root belief of pleaser is that he is worth less than others and must do more to be liked or accepted. It is a question of integrating non-erroneous beliefs on which to rely to restore one’s self-esteem.
1 Self-care is anything but selfish
Still well anchored, this belief pushes those whose self-confidence is fragile to put themselves in the background and to become valets for others! If there is one certainty in the field of psychology that has stood the test of time and trends, it is that which postulates that taking care of oneself, being attentive to one’s needs and supporting one’s desires is a right. and a necessity for everyone. This position shields us from the suffering of self-neglect and prevents relational abuse.
In practice : take micro-breaks during the day and ask yourself how you are doing, how you feel, and what you could do to get better; schedule beneficial activities for you (including medical visits) and commit to respecting them (thus they will be more likely to be respected by others).
2 Not All Relationships, Likes, and Opinions Are Created Equal
the pleaser chronicle tends to satisfy the needs of his relatives as well as his distant relations. Apart from the fact that this lack of hierarchy devalues acts of generosity towards loved ones, it condemns the pleaser to be used, sometimes sacrificed, by the first comer. Hence the importance of demonstrating lucidity, and of introducing an objective and critical dimension into one’s relationships with others. The fact of being or not being appreciated by a vague acquaintance or a distant member of the affective circle should no longer be a trigger for altruistic action.
In practice : before helping, giving, question yourself. What is my degree of intimacy and involvement in this relationship? What is my real motivation? Is my help, my gift, the fruit of my guilt, of the desire to buy peace, of the need to be recognized or accepted? Is there reciprocity in this relationship?
3 Healthy conflict is good for the relationship
With rare exceptions, no one likes to argue with loved ones. the pleaser even less than the others, because fleeing conflict is his motto. Miscalculation. Bypassing the disagreement – hiding the crumbs under the rug – not only prevents the expression of emotions and problems, but also blocks the emergence of what could improve or heal the connection. Putting things straight, welcoming criticism and being able to address it is the essential leaven of a lively and mature relationship. Provided that verbal violence (insults, threats) – and physical violence of course – is excluded from the exchange.
In practice : assume that everyone has the right to express their thoughts and feelings with respect and respect. From there, practice expressing your disagreement on a daily basis, starting with very simple, banal things (“No thanks, I’m not hungry anymore”, “I don’t want to watch this film”, “I don’t want to get up early this weekend”, etc.). Don’t go into long explanations. To help you, keep in mind this Zen adage which says: “Hot, cold, it is you who experience it. » Your feelings and your personal needs belong to you, you do not have to justify them and they do not have to be validated by others.
4 What you feel and think has value
the pleaser feels and thinks, a priori, “less” than the others. For example, he will not take offense at being forgotten or less well treated or served than his relatives or colleagues, even if it hurts him. To get out of his “second zone” condition, he must first convince himself of his worth. It is of course a long-term job, for which it is always better to be accompanied by a therapist. This should not prevent him from changing his behavior day after day.
In practice : Practice treating yourself at least as you treat others. You would never advise a person you care about to put themselves at the service of others, to neglect themselves or to sacrifice themselves. Do the same for yourself, start with everyday life: don’t take care of your loved ones (family, colleagues), stop collecting chores, give yourself pleasure breaks… When you criticize yourself or you devalue yourself, ask yourself who this voice really belongs to, where it comes from, then deconstruct its message point by point, as if you were talking to a loved one to “uncondition” them. Remember that what you admire in others, you also have in you. This quality, this talent, this singularity awaits to be awakened and cared for with tenderness and constancy.