Scarlet (40) about wanting children: 'We found a donor via YouTube'

heart

“I never really knew what I liked, I just did something. It wasn’t clear to me: I found women attractive, but I also sometimes had a boyfriend. Those relationships were often awkward, so maybe I wasn’t ready yet.

I created a profile on a dating site because I was too insecure to talk to people in real life. My profile said ‘likes men and women’ because I had no idea what I wanted. I had sent a few people a heart, and Joyce responded! That was fifteen years ago.

When I’m outside with Joyce, we’re more likely to be mistaken for girlfriends or sisters than partners. Maybe that’s why we don’t suffer much from prejudice. We are careful about how we come across when we are on vacation, for example. We are not really the type to walk hand in hand a lot.”

wish for children

“About six years ago we both wanted to start having children. Joyce didn’t feel the need to get pregnant, it seemed like a lot of fun to me. We were impatient at the time, so we hadn’t given much thought to what we wanted for the child or how we envisioned parenthood for us. We thought too much about the goal, namely a child, and not about how we wanted to do that.

We’ve been at a fertility clinic for two years and I’ve had about 17 IUI attempts. Sometimes people say you have to let go if it doesn’t work, but that’s not possible at all. You are so busy with it: for example, you have to constantly watch your cycle.

It cost me a lot of energy and I had to deal with disappointment a lot. But afterwards I am glad that it didn’t work out and that we chose to do it in a different way: we started looking for a donor.”

Donor

“We thought it was important to know who the donor was. A click with the donor was a condition for us, if our child wanted to contact him in the future. In the end we got an ideal situation.

We had placed an appeal on our YouTube channel, to which we received a lot of responses. We really built a friendship with the person we chose. So Hunter has been in contact with his biological father from birth.”

Work

“I work 32 hours a week as a communication advisor at the suicide prevention line 113. It is very interesting and valuable work, but of course it is different from when you work in a flower shop, for example.

It can be difficult to deal with this theme all day, but I like doing something that has meaning and can help others. Besides my work, I maintain our personal lifestyle blog and YouTube channel together with Joyce I Wife of You, for which we vlog.

Joyce is a veterinary assistant, she does that 22 hours a week. I work more hours, so I bring in more pay. In the past we didn’t have a joint account and we just did something, but now we both have a separate account and a joint account. We deposit money on it every month and that is what fixed costs are deducted from. Some things I pay because they were once put in my name. We could change that again.”

Distribution

“Joyce is more into cleaning and laundry. I don’t see very quickly that things are dirty and she is, haha. We recently got a robot vacuum cleaner, so I hardly ever vacuum anymore. I usually cook, that’s kind of creeped in. She does chores more often, cleans the car or does things in the garden. I’d rather be more busy with my job!

The care for our son is split quite fifty-fifty. He goes to daycare two days a week. Joyce is alone with him one day a week and so am I. Every other Friday he is with his father. On weekends, there are always three of us.

I work from home a lot and Joyce doesn’t. So if Hunter can’t go to daycare, I’ll arrange for him to be home with me. I used to work from home a lot, but now almost completely because of corona. Because I am at home more, it is more likely that I have already done the shopping or walked the dog. It is different than when you work outside the home. That is why it is important to set boundaries.”

Accept

“Some things just go a certain way. Sometimes you have to resign yourself to it and accept that it is. Otherwise it will only lead to frustration. For example, I do the laundry less often, but I do more for our company. Then I can keep reminding Joyce that she needs to vlog more, but after a few weeks it levels off again, and that’s okay, the other way around too. It is an interaction in which you have to accept from each other what is or is not possible.

It is important that you keep an eye on each other. It’s okay if the tasks are unevenly distributed, but if it becomes too much for the other person, you have to step in. I think it’s important to keep talking about it and to express it when you want something different. Put the agreements on paper if that helps, it can prevent irritations.”

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